teens and dating…..god help me!
If you’re anything like me, you might feel that tight knot in your stomach when your teen starts dating. My first instinct is to go into control mode, even shut it all down, or better yet: lock her in her room until she is 21, in the name of protecting her.
But I’ve come to realize that this urge is rooted in fear, and while it’s completely normal, it’s not the best way to build connection, trust, and love with my teen. My ultimate goal is to nurture our bond, so I’m choosing to approach this new relationship with openness. Here’s how I’m navigating these mixed emotions and using this experience to create an even deeper, more meaningful relationship with my teen.
Acknowledge the Urge to Control (But Pause Before Acting)
When my teen started dating, my first reaction was pure panic. I wanted to step in, set tight rules, and just take control. But I recognized that this response came from a place of fear rather than trust. I’ve been reminding myself that if I act on these feelings, I’ll likely push my teen away instead of drawing us closer.
Tip: Take a breath before reacting. I try to remind myself that control might protect in the short term, but trust and connection will build the relationship I want in the long run.
Choose Connection Over Control
It’s hard to let go, but every time I make a choice to connect rather than control, I’m building a foundation of trust. I tell myself that by staying open, I’m showing my teen that I respect them and believe in their ability to make good choices. This doesn’t mean I don’t worry—I absolutely do—but focusing on connection keeps our communication flowing.
Tip: If you feel the urge to control, try redirecting it into a positive conversation. Ask questions, share your concerns honestly, and keep the dialogue open.
Set Boundaries Together with Mutual Respect
Rather than shutting things down, I’m working on setting boundaries in a way that feels collaborative. We talk about safety, time spent together, and curfews, but I’m letting my teen have input, too. This is still a challenge for me (big challenge, if I am being honest) because part of me wants to lay down strict rules, but I know that mutual respect will help our relationship grow.
Tip: Invite your teen into the process of creating boundaries. Letting them feel heard doesn’t mean you’re giving up control—it means you’re teaching them responsibility and respect.
Address the Fear Openly (Without Projecting It onto Them)
It’s been helpful for me to admit to myself (and to my teen, when appropriate) that part of my worry comes from fear. I don’t have to tell them every detail of my concerns, but by owning my emotions, I can avoid projecting them onto my teen. When I’m transparent, they can see I’m trying to understand them, not just control them.
Tip: Say something like, “I worry because I care, but I’m here to listen and support you.” This allows you to be honest without making them feel responsible for your feelings.
Embrace This as a Time to Build Trust and Love
As much as it would be easier to shut it down, I remind myself that this experience is a chance for us to grow closer. By showing up with openness instead of control, I’m giving my teen the space to develop a healthy relationship with both me and their boyfriend. This is helping us strengthen the bond that I want to last a lifetime.
Tip: Focus on your long-term relationship. Letting go of some control now doesn’t mean you’re “losing”—it means you’re building a foundation based on love and respect.
Be Kind to Yourself as You Navigate This New Territory
Parenting through your teen’s first dating relationship is no small feat, and I’m learning to be patient with myself. It’s okay to feel that knot in your stomach, and it’s okay to have the urge to control. What matters most is that we keep showing up with intention, focusing on connection, and trusting that love and openness will guide us through.
Tip: Give yourself grace. This journey is challenging, but by choosing love and openness, you’re helping to create the relationship you truly want with your teen.
If you’re feeling like control mode is the only way to go, trust me—you’re not alone. But each time we choose to navigate this new territory with openness instead of fear, we’re building the foundation of connection, trust, and love that will last. Let’s embrace this time as an opportunity to grow alongside our teens, knowing that every step we take together is building something meaningful and strong.
