i am fine (not)

How many times have you said or heard “I am fine” when in reality you are totally not fine, and neither is your teen.  

We all know it is a sure way to shut down communication.  It is a way to deflect our true emotions and not validate how we truly feel.  I remember I used to say “I am fine” and have tears welled up in my eyes.  I soooo wanted to be fine but I was not.  At that time, I was not aware how to communicate my emotions.  I did not want to bother anyone with what was going on. At times, I had a thought that I did not feel I could trust anyone to confide in and I was also embarrassed and felt shame.

Perhaps your teen is totally fine!  Which is amazing!  But perhaps your teen is not fine.  During my coaching sessions, I have my teens do a 2-word check in.  I have them describe two words on how they are feeling right now.  I can tell you, the majority of them do not say fine.  Their emotional capacity is so much larger than fine but it tends to be our go-to word in communicating with others.  

If you want to build a deeper connection with your teen, here are some strategies to get past the go-to. I am fine.

Ask A Question

I recommend staying away from broad questions like: How was your day? How are you doing? This is a total lead into, I am fine.  

Try something along the lines of:  What was the topic in Science class today?  How would you describe your teacher's style of teaching?  Do you like it?  Who did you have lunch with today?  What drills did you do in baseball practice today?

Take a Walk

My favorite is asking my teen to go for a walk with me.  Having one on one time with my teen is where I connect best with them.   My goal is not to talk much and allow them to bring up conversations.  Usually the quietness of me not talking, gets them talking!

 I am the quiet one and within 5-10 minutes my teen will recall something about their day and share it with me.  We will laugh about it, or cringe about it, but mostly we just connect over the conversation.  The walk provides a space for me to allow my teen to open up if they want to.  There are times we just enjoy the walk and the scenery, and to me this is perfect as well.

Take a Drive

Ok, this may be my favorite.  Having my teen trapped in a car for as long as I want totally works to my benefit.  We listen to the music they request.  I drive quietly and occasionally bring up conversations. I bring up scenarios from what is going on in my life and ask what they would do in my situation.  My teens seem to open up in the car to me all the time.  I hear things I would have never heard if I did not opt for the car ride.  They seem to be great listeners in the car as well.  Which is a win, win.  I use the car for a lot of our awkward conversations that we need to have.  Teens want to hear how your life is going too!  

And lastly,  take your teen out to eat.  I suggest not a fast food spot because you will be done ordering and eating in 5 minutes.  Go to a place that has slow service so you have plenty of quality time with your teen!  I make this time super special where they can order whatever they want and then we order something we never had before which allows us to experience something new together.  

The key to better connection with your teen is to be PRESENT.  Put away your phone and have no distractions while with them. This will show them that they are being seen and heard and that they MATTER.  What they say and do matters to you.  

Building connections takes work!  Parents usually need to do the inner work and make sure you have the mental space and capacity to receive their love and connection.  Once you are open and able to be present with your child you can really build a lasting connection with your teen.  

I know we all desire a close relationship with our teen so you can be intentional on how you want to spend time doing so.

 If you want life coaching to support building connections with your teen, set up a 30-minute free session!