stop harping, start growing: building a stronger bond with your teen
Parenting teens is hard, isn’t it? It can feel like you’re constantly walking a tightrope—balancing between guiding them and wanting to be close to them. I’ve been there, caught in that cycle of nagging, correcting, and harping on the things they’re not doing right. And you know what? It’s exhausting—for both of us.
But here’s something I’ve learned (the hard way): focusing on the negatives doesn’t bring us closer. In fact, it pushes them away. And deep down, all I want is a connection that lasts beyond these teenage years.
Why Harping Backfires
I’ve noticed that when I harp on my teens about their mistakes, they shut down. They get defensive, pull away, or worse, feel like they’re not enough. It breaks my heart to see that happen. No one likes to feel like they’re constantly being criticized—least of all our teens, who are already trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in the world.
Shift Your Focus
One day, I decided to stop. I told myself, “What if I focus on what they’re doing right instead?” And it’s been a game-changer.
Now, instead of nitpicking about their messy rooms, I’ll say, “Hey, I noticed you put your laundry away—thank you for that!” Or instead of lecturing about grades, I’ll point out, “I saw how hard you worked on that science project. That’s impressive.”
You’d be amazed at how much their confidence grows when they feel seen and appreciated for their efforts. It’s like this invisible wall between us starts to melt away, and we can actually connect.
Let’s Talk About Connection
For me, focusing on their strengths isn’t just about changing their behavior; it’s about building trust. When they know I’m on their side—not just looking for what’s wrong—they’re more willing to talk to me, open up, and even ask for help. And isn’t that what we’re all hoping for?
A Few Things That Helped Me
If you’re like me and sometimes catch yourself harping, here are a few things that might help:
Pause Before You Speak: I’ve started asking myself, “Is this really worth mentioning right now?” More often than not, it’s not.
Notice the Good: Every day, I try to notice at least one thing they’re doing well and tell them. It’s amazing how much it means to them.
Celebrate Small Wins: Even if it’s something tiny, like picking up a plate without being asked, I make sure to acknowledge it.
Ask Questions: Instead of jumping in with advice, I’ll ask, “How do you think that went?” or “What could you do differently next time?” It’s less about lecturing and more about helping them reflect.
My Personal Takeaway
If I’m honest, breaking the habit of harping has been a journey. But I’ve learned that when I focus on their strengths, not only do they shine brighter, but our relationship becomes stronger. I see it in the way they smile when I acknowledge their efforts, in the way they’re more willing to share their lives with me. And that, to me, is everything.
So next time you catch yourself about to harp, take a deep breath. Look for something good instead. Trust me, what you focus on grows—in your teen and in the love between you.
PS - It takes a village! Click here to book a (free!) 30-minute 1:1 call with me to learn how I can give you the guidance and accountability you will need as you reclaim your relationship with yourself and your teenage children. It is never too late to start!
